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Patron: Why are the police out there?
Martin: You’re stealing library property.

Patron: You called them?
Martin: One of my colleagues may have. Your rant was really loud.

Patron: I don’t have time for jail.
Martin: On the upside, if you read that book aloud to the other inmates you’ll be very popular.

Patron: Here, I’m returning it.
Martin: We don’t call it a “return” unless you checked it out.